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A Humorous Take on The Beatitudes

Join us on Sunday, Feb. 2, 2020 as we talk about The Beatitudes and celebrate the Lord's Supper. To hold you over until Sunday, enjoy the following jokes from http://freepages.rootsweb.com/~emeraldidyll/genealogy/Humor/blessed_are_the_jokes.htm


BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT, FOR THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble, spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."


BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN, FOR THEY SHALL BE COMFORTED

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"


BLESSED ARE THE MEEK, FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH

A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 33 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver, he discovers that it is a nun. "Excuse me, sister. But are you alright?" He asked. She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?" The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something." "But, officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 33, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that." Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 33, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom." "Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red. "That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale. "Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital?" "Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 150."


BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS, FOR THEY SHALL BE SATISFIED.

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination." His friend replied, "Well...why don't you celebrate April first?"


BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL, FOR THEY SHALL OBTAIN MERCY

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, “the lawyer said, as he looked at his watch, "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we all did look alright, but the trouble is, your client didn't."


BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART, FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD

-Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody, but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

-Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

-Dear Pastor, please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

-Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron


BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS, FOR THEY SHALL BE CALLED SONS OF GOD

Little Johnny came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Johnny, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"


BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE PERSECUTED FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS' SAKE, FOR THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the town people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving -- seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"


BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN MEN REVILE YOU AND PERSECUTE YOU AND UTTER ALL KINDS OF EVIL AGAINST YOU FALSELY ON MY ACCOUNT

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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